Trail Mix: A Legend of the Crystal Skull AE
by BladePixie100
Summary: What secrets are in store for Nancy at the bottom of Bruno's crypt in this alternate ending? Will she ever stop being subjected to such tomfoolery? Will anything ever go right for Lamont?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So, I suppose you could call this a sequel to the story "Oatmeal Cookie", as it's quite similar but not chronologically related or anything. I feel, if anything, that this story is more mature and... who am I kidding, it's just as ridiculous as the last one. I don't own the Nancy Drew franchise, obviously. Please force yourself to enjoy. **

Nancy placed the bizarre eye scepter thing on top of the weird broken skeleton shovel on top of the peculiar iron bar she retrieved off the fence, on top of the grate of Bruno Bolet's crypt and breathed a sigh of relief as she heard a satisfying "click." The bony skeleton fingers uncurled a bit, and suddenly a huge bolt of lightning struck the huge gargoyle looming over her, somehow lighting up its ruby eyes, at which point a laser beam of rosy light proceeded to stream from the eyes to the red pupil of the eye scepter. "What the heck?" Nancy murmured. A spark flew off the scepter and then the entire thing disappeared into the ground and the grate slid open accompanied by the enormous sound of scraping rock. Conveniently, an iron ladder was fixed to the top of the grate leading into the inky black depths of the freshly-opened crypt. Nancy gulped. "'Let's-a-go!'" she whispered.

Nancy descended, her own footsteps reverberating back into her ears. She hopped off the ladder and whirled around, coming face-to-face with…. a coffin. Her tense shoulders relaxed into disappointment. "Gee, I really should have expected that," she said. "Oh heavens, don't look at me! I'm indecent!"came a girlish scream.

An old man, fully clothed, thank goodness, in a theatrical skeleton man costume minus the mask, quickly turned away and skittered into the crypt's farthest corner. He wriggled around a bit doing something before facing Nancy. He now had a stray pebble lodged into his eerily empty right eye socket. "_Bruno?_" She asked in wonderment.

"Thaaaaat's me!" he said proudly, swinging his arm around to point at himself with his thumb.

"But you're dead!"

"Excuse me, do I look dead to you?" Nancy squinted at him and tilted her head, peering at his innumerable wrinkles and liver spots. "Well…" "Wait, don't answer that. So you're the one who found me! Yeah, I have no clue who you are. Nancy Drew, isn't it? Ah, Henry. I should've know he'd be a failure. Anyway, I bet you're looking for this" He withdrew the crystal skull from under his black cape with a sweeping flourish. It inexplicably glinted in the non-existent light flooding the crypt.

"Oh my gosh, yes," said Nancy. "But why is it yellow?"

"Er…"

"Nevermind, how'd you do all this? Why did you fake your own death? Hold on, how long have you been down here?"

"Two months."

"How did you _eat_?"

He rolled his left eye and sighed. "_Hello_, I'm not an idiot; I brought _trail mix_," holding up a Ziplock bag of the aforementioned substance. Nancy raised an eyebrow. "To answer your question, I did all this for Henry."

Henry's head then appeared above at the mouth of the crypt, peering curiously inside. "What in the-AH!" He fell into the crypt landing ungracefully in a heap of tangled limbs. "Ugh, ow," he muttered, rising to his feet. His eyes first landed on Nancy, then he caught sight of his great uncle. "_Uncle_ _Bruno_?" he said incredulously.

"Hello, m'boy! Good golly gosh, you're goth! What have you done to your lovely ginger locks?" Henry fingered the back of his dyed-black hair self-consciously.

"You're a ginger?" Nancy snickered, although she was practically one herself.

"Uncle Bruno, I thought you were _dead_."

"Yes, yes. I'm clearly not. I've just been through this. I am however, deathly old, and I'm-"

Henry interrupted, flailing his arms about. "I've been managing your affairs! I've been selling off your estate on the sly! Wait, I didn't mean to say that-"

"It's good to see you too," Bruno said sourly.

"I went to your funeral! I buried your ashes in this crypt! Hang on- if you're alive, then whose ashes did I bury?"

"Renee's."

"_What?_ Renee's not dead; she's right outside in her gardening shed. I don't why she hasn't heard all the commotion!"

Bruno shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry to inform you that-"

"A-CHOOOOOOO!" Lamont materialized with a jolt into the crypt; contrary to Henry, he landed on his feet. "It's okay, everybody! My 'fro took the fall! Man, that hoodoo teleportation powder really works!" And he took a bite of his still intact gumbo in a takeout bowl.

Bruno was thoroughly irritated. "Geez, I thought _I _was strange. As I was _saying, _I sincerely regret to inform you, Henry, that the real Renee is dead, and the Renee outside... is an android."


	2. Chapter 2

Nancy massaged her forehead and spoke to the ceiling, "Good grief, _why_? What have I done to deserve this?" But there was no time for more exclamations of shock, as Renee had dropped down into the tomb and was now cocking her head at them curiously. She had evidently overheard Bruno's revelation, judging from the enraged expression on her wrinkled visage. "Now Bruno, don't be ridiculous," she said with an eerie composure. "You just need to get some rest, sweetheart. You're talking nonsense."

"No, that's the exact response I programmed the Renee android to say when confronted with the fact that she's an android!" Bruno shrieked. "You made a robot version of Renee?" Henry asked in disbelief. "I thought if the real Renee wouldn't reciprocate my love, then…. that's not the point here! Someone stop her before she employs the eye-laser beams!"

Nancy turned to Lamont. "Lamont, give me your gumbo!" "But… my baby!" he shielded it protectively, but Nancy yanked it from his grasp and swiftly chucked it at "android" Renee. The thick steamy soup splashed effectively over her front, staining her clothes and making her splutter. Her body twitched and jerked. Tiny sparks emanated from the now obvious circuitry encircling her throat, and her eyes began to revolve around in their sockets until they slipped into a cross-eyed stance, churning Nancy's stomach. As she malfunctioned, choppy fragments of speech played, "Drink this, it'll make you feel better… the energy that powers the universe… I could eat these plants… guess I just plain forgot… JUST A COUPLE' A SIPS!"

"Now you'll _pay_," an unholy voice thundered from the android. Her arm snapped up from her side at an unnatural angle. "From the dirty brown bayou to the deep blue sea, Bernie the alligator, I summon thee!" she screamed. The requested reptile clambered into the rather crowded grave with a groan. "My given name is actually _Simon Ponji_," he yawned. Renee snatched the crystal skull, climbed onto his back like she was mounting a stallion and dug her heels into the creature's sides. "Giddyup, away with ye!" she yelled while stuffing a jumbo marshmallow into his obliging mouth.

Their departure signalled the great stone mechanism above them to start closing. "We're going to be trapped in here!" Henry cried. "Help! Somebody help us!"

Dr. Gilbert Buford appeared at the rapidly closing mouth of the crypt. Catching sight of Nancy, he wiggled his fingers in a little wave and trilled, "Why _hello_, what a lovely sight you make on this fine evening. Can I help you people?"

"Stop the door from closing! We're going to get stuck down here!" Henry said. The elderly doctor placed his hands on his hips. "Well how am I going to _that_?" he asked sassily. "I… I don't know," said Henry, defeated.

The stone entrance continued to close and those underground stared wordlessly at the one overhead. Dr. Buford bounced back and forth on the balls of his feet and whistled, looking anywhere but back at them. The last thing they witnessed before the sealing of the crypt was Gilbert casually cracking his knuckles. The atmosphere of awkwardness went on until Bruno's voice in the utter black ventured, "So… I really don't want to share my trail-mix with you guys."

"We don't need your trail-mix. We're going to get out of here," said our favorite teen sleuth matter-of-factly. Lightning flashed throughout the cavern, revealing several tiles on the wall carved with a variety of images. "We're in a sealed underground area late at night with no sources of light, how can we see lightning flash?"

"Laws of light don't apply in Bruno Land, neither do the majority of the laws of logic really."

"I know!" Lamont piped up, "From the intermittent flashes of lightning it looks like each of those tiles has a match! It's like a game of memory! Maybe if we match up all the tiles, then the door will open up again!"

"No one's got time for that crap, Lamont," Nancy said to Lamont, this abuse officially marking Lamont as the most abused computer game character of all time. "We'll use force." In a mad frenzy of sheer Drew power, she kicked in all the tiles until they stayed and the door, fortunately, began to reopen.

They absconded from the crypt, Bruno included and stopped short at the gun pointed in their faces, held by a trembling and sweaty Dr. Buford. "If you know what's good for you, you won't take another step," his voice quavered.

Bruno held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Gilbert, old friend, don't do this. This isn't you. Did Renee put you up to it?"

"This isn't about her, don't you understand? It's so much bigger than her. Bess-"

"What _about _Bess?" Nancy spat, as she felt delicate wee claws scrabbling up the leg of her jeans, yearning for the ripe juicy loquat in her pocket. She grabbed Iggy and flung the iguana at their assailant. Bruno chortled as Dr. Buford clutched desperately at his face and bellowed. The iguana was currently dressed in his policeman's uniform, and he began beating Gilbert's nose with his miniature club. Meanwhile, Nancy took the opportunity to chase after Renee, following the extremely obvious alligator footprints left behind in the mud. Sprinting, she first heard the revving of a motorboat engine, then the distant crack of a gunshot in the direction from whence she'd come.

She reached Renee, who was just finishing the process of corralling Bernie into her boat. "Stop right there!" Nancy proclaimed righteously. "Hang on, what the heck are you doing? How are you even going to escape, that bayou doesn't lead anywhere!"

Android Renee threw her mechanical head back to the heavens and crowed, "The skull _is _mine! It wants to be _mine!" _Neither noticed the burgeoning ripples on the bayou's surface.

"Um, I didn't mention the skull, but it's _not _yours! Bruno wanted _Henry_ to have it! That's why he hid the painting in Henry's parents' crypt! I think that's it, at least… Things might be a bit different now that Bruno's actually alive and all." A figure was emerging from the shadowy waters…

"I will live forever!"

"You're an android!"

"So?"

"What did you put in the concoction you made me drink at the beginning of the game?"

"Kitty litter!"

"_Bess?" _interjected Nancy. "Huh?" said Renee. Unbeknownst to the arguing pair, Nancy's BFF-totes-forever had risen from the swamp and slithered onto shore, where she now lazed, twirling the pilfered crystal skull. Her pointed teeth glinted through her predatory grin as she purred, "I distracted Lamont again for you, Nancy. I distracted them _all_, so now it's just you and me. We can be together when you die."


	3. Chapter 3

"Bess, what are you doing? Don't tell me _you're _the culprit? None of this makes any frickin' sense! _Is _there even a culprit? My gosh-" she broke off in a string of profanities.

"I'm not a snooper, Nancy, I _told _you: I'm a snoopee!"

"What does that even mean? And what's up with Android Renee?" The cyborg had completely ceased movement, mouth hanging open, pupils frozen askew.

"You're so stupid Nancy. You've always been so very stupid. I'm controlling her! A toddler could get past Bruno's firewalls. I killed the real Renee who thought she'd induced Bruno's heart attack and killed him, so that Henry would be sad and Ned would ask you to come out here to comfort Henry so I could corner you in a bayou and kill you and pin it on android Renee and she'd completely take the blame because I control her! I've been waiting so long for this opportunity!"

Shaken to the core, was Nancy by her friend's betrayal, but she summoned her nerve to say, "What kind of motive is that? You're worse than the Mapu's and their bizarre pineapple crop plan.

"THIS IS AN ALTERNATE ENDING, THE REASONING CAN BE AS NONSENSICAL AS THE AUTHOR WISHES!"

"But doesn't your plan to fall to pieces now that it turns out Bruno's alive?"

She smirked. "That hardly matters. I'll still kill you right here, right now. And Bruno won't be alive much longer. Gilbert seems to have a crush on me, the pervert. It was child's play to coerce him into pointing a gun at you. He's loyal, he won't hesitate to fire. Didn't you hear the gunshot?"

"No," Nancy whispered. Tears initiated congregation at the corners of her eyes. "Bess, please. We've been friends for years… over 80 years, to be precise. You don't have to do this. What about… the skull? How does that fit in?"

Bess shrugged. "I dunno, Bruno seemed to be fond of it so I had Android Renee steal it to make him cry. It doesn't even taste like real crystal… I mean, it doesn't _look _like real crystal. Now would you please let me deliver my evil villain monologue?"

"Please, go ahead."

"Thank you. Now, as I was saying, you're very stupid. Yet somehow, you've become insanely successful; I hear someone even wants to give you a movie deal! Anyway, it's not fair! I'm sick of it. You solve all your cases by luck and you get everything!"

Nancy pursed her lips. "I'll admit, a good portion of my cases are resolved by instances of deus ex machina or utter idiocy and carelessness on the part of the villain."

"I'm glad we understand each other. It's time for you to get what you deserve: death, and for me to get what I deserve: your boyfriend! Renee, power up!" She pressed a few buttons and flipped a switch on the remote that evidently controlled her.

The android's eyes flashed and she spluttered to life, hands outstretched reaching for Nancy's throat. They clasped down and choked the breath out of her lungs and squeezed the tears out of her eyes. "Wait, Bess, you wouldn't happen to be an android would you?" she rasped.

"Uh… no?" Before she could say anything further she screamed and batted at her hair, releasing the remote and thus enabling Nancy to swat away the limp Renee and gasp for air. Nancy caught a glimpse of a large black spider nestled into Bess's blonde locks. "Bruno's pets save the day again," she muttered.

Bess writhing in an attempt to escape the arachnid guided her straight into the path of Bernie's monstrous jaws. She realized her mistake too late, as Bernie gladly opened his mouth to consume her. Sounds of ripping android flesh ensued: "gristle, gristle, gristle," and oil splattered everywhere. Needless to say, Nancy was relieved to see her theory was correct and it was not her flesh-and-blood friend who had just been mercilessly decimated. Bernie gave a satisfied belch and eyed the skull thoughtfully. "That was nasty. Might as well have dessert then," he decided. "It's not like there are any pretty lady crocs for me to diet for." And he swallowed the skull before disappearing into the bayou.

Nancy approached the remains cautiously. Android Renee had fallen at the bayou's edge where she appeared damaged beyond repair. Android Bess was torn into unrecognizable shreds of metal and blonde hair, with only a plate of torso intact. Nancy examined it, her only findings being the tiny initials "D.P." engraved on the back. "Hmm."

At that moment, Henry came running from the trees on skinny-jean-clad legs. "Nancy! Woah, what happened here? Did you destroy the android? You've got to come with me, right now! It's Uncle Bruno, he's been shot."


	4. Chapter 4

Dr. Buford sat glumly in the grass, handcuffed to an iguana-sized police car. Lamont leaned over the fountain, in the midst of yet another sneezing fit. Bruno Bolet lay dying in front of his grave, an interesting sentence that I really wanted to say. Blood stained the concrete garden path and glistened in the dim moonlight. A bolt of lightning spotlighted the unhealthy amount of blood gushing forth from Bruno's wound. Henry immediately knelt by his side and grabbed his weathered hand. "Uncle Bruno, you've gotten worse!"

Dr. Bolet ignored his great nephew and the sheen of sweat accumulating on his skin and addressed Nancy. "That old geezer Gilbert dropped his gun and shot me in the foot. Nancy, the skull… it's gone, isn't it?"

"I'm afraid so."

"I can feel it." The previously seemingly springy old man seemed intensely vulnerable as he clutched his heart. "You didn't make any other androids by any chance, did you?" she asked. "No, no I didn't." He then gazed imploringly up at Henry who clasped him tighter in his arms. "Goodbye, Henry m'boy," he choked out. "I'm so proud of you."

Henry sputtered, "What? Uncle Bruno, what are you talking about? You-you just got shot in the foot! You'll be fine, I promise! We can… we can be together!" Tears streamed down his pale face, leaving streaks of ebony eyeliner.

"Listen Henry, you poor ignorant lump, I believe we could have had an epic bromance, but it's my time. I've lived longer than you can possibly realize. The skull has kept me alive for hundreds of years now. I've lived a series of lives, each more zany than the last.

"My first name was Charles Penvellyn, but wouldn't you know it? While I was attempting to perfect the philosopher's stone, I unearthed the crystal skull instead. It's been nonstop fun; you should have seen James's face when I left a baby on his doorstep! I was the notorious western bandit El Diablo, the gangster Mickey Malone, took up carousel carving as Rolfe Kessler, was old Josiah Crowley, miner Jake Hurley…"

Nancy's eyes bulged. "You're _kidding _me."

Bruno flashed her a huge white smile. "I've kept you busy, huh, girlie? I also masqueraded as the dame Noisette Tornade a bit… that was awkward, poor Hans. Then I was a Waverly founder, the Spanish pirate El Toro- Oh Nancy, you're in for quite a struggle there."

Nancy heaved a sigh.

Henry squinted at his uncle through the blur of tears, searching for some trace of hope anywhere in his face. "So it's all real? The skull does grant immortality? Uncle Bruno, why'd you do all this? I don't understand," he sobbed.

"Henry, Bruno might not be my real name, but I still love you like a real great nephew. I've had the feeling for a long time now that my life wasn't going to last much longer. It was rather rude of the real Renee to forge a letter from the authenticator and give me a near-fatal heart attack, though. I'll admit I wasn't expecting _that._ But Henry, I care more about you than immortality, so I set up all these puzzles designed for _you_, so that only you could have the crystal skull. Say thanks to Miss Drew for doing all the work for you, would you? I sent you away for school not just because I wanted the best for you, but because I never really knew how to be the best parent, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry the skull's gone too, but at least you know my intentions. At least you know that I love you like a son."

Henry's chin wobbled and his voice wavered so that he could barely be understood as he spoke to his expiring "great uncle", the last form of family he had left on this earth, "I love you too, Uncle Bruno."

Both Lamont and Dr. Buford were watching this sad spectacle silently. Nancy sidled over to the restrained Dr. Buford and whispered, "Is there really nothing that can be done?"

"I'm afraid not," he grunted. "This is something out of my league, something… otherworldly."

Nancy peered sympathetically at the dark form of great uncle and nephew, the latter with shoulders shaking. After a while he stood up and walked over, not looking at any of them, but at the pebble he rubbed in his hand. "He's gone," he sniffled. "He's gone and he cared about me."

_Dear Dad,_

_This case started with a fake confrontation with "Mr. Death" and ended with a real one. _

_Bruno Bolet is dead, for real this time, and Henry's been shattered ever since. He thought no one loved him in the world, not his girlfriend, not anyone, and now he's found someone who did. When I said goodbye to him at the airport, he wasn't even wearing his eyeliner. Iggy handed Dr. Buford over to the cops, and he's gone to prison, not for his attempted assault or wolfish comments towards young girls, but for continuing to lead his illicit secret society, The Jolly Rogers. If you ask me, they were all a bunch of weirdos anyway. Bruno had apparently witnessed Android Renee going berserk and killing a very confused human Renee, but neglected to tell anyone because he was kind of angry with Real Renee and decided that no one would be able to tell the difference between the two. And the skull? Well Bernie the alligator swallowed it and vanished into the bayou, closely followed by Bruno's spider, so I hear. When Lamont heard about it, he stuffed his 'fro with as many marshmallows as it could hold, disregarded all his responsibilities in life, and set off in hot pursuit of the artifact. The only problem is, Lamont can't swim. _

_I found out in the nick of time that it was actually Android Bess controlling Android Renee. The real Bess would never do that to me. The real George however, would. With her sick mechanical skills she constructed an android version of her cousin and orchestrated a grand plot to do away with me. Lol, dad, I'm just kidding, it was actually Dwayne Powers (It's always Dwayne Powers. At the start of every case, I should always just assume the perpetrator is Dwayne Powers). That explains the initials I found on Android Bess, the signing of his handiwork. I know this game isn't over, he'll stop at nothing to bring me down. That guy's really got issues. I'll be home in like, 20 minutes, dad, so I guess it's kind of stupid to be handwriting you this letter. Honestly, I just kind of enjoy getting high from this ink. I might need medical attention actually; I consumed a total of 84 Koko Kringle bars this weekend, was bit by Bruno's venomous spider, and picked some seriously funky-looking mushrooms Android Renee ordered me to harvest. See you soon._

_Love, Nancy. _


End file.
